Eldest Daughter Comes to Stop the Cycle

Why not write my first post about Hayley Williams? The perfect human.

Hayley Williams put out the most beautiful, perfect, flawless record this past August - Ego Death at a Bachelorette Party. I've listened to this album mmmmm... 47340982342234073249 times. Each song literally infiltrates every fiber of my being with warm gooey goodness.  I have never related to another piece of art more.

SHE EVEN WROTE A SONG ABOUT BEING AN ELDEST DAUGHTER called Kill Me (HA). I told my mom and sister that Hayley wrote that song for me and well, their reactions were expectedly awkward.

I really could not relate to this song more.

"Eldest daughter comes to stop the cycle

A job you never asked for is paying in dust

Setting down your mother's mother's torment

Save yourself or make room for us"

My family praises me for 'breaking the cycle' which almost sounds like a compliment, but girl I did not sign up for this shit. I mean... they also praise me for killing myself to make sure everyone else around me is happy. I will say I've learned I bring some of this expectation upon myself (humbling therapy moment), but that's for another blog post.

What cycles am I breaking? Oh, just simple ones... like learning to create and respect boundaries. Repeat after me... *boundaries are limitations you set for yourself, not for others.* As an eldest daughter, doing something for yourself is hard. It sounds glorious, right? ✨Doing something for yourself✨ But when I started really choosing myself, my family took these actions of self care as literal daggers to their hearts which to be honest can be really fucking annoying.

It's not all awful though. Trust me. It's difficult, but there are groundbreaking moments when I am feeling seen and heard. I'm experiencing more and more conversations where I can see and feel my family starting to understand that boundaries help relationships, not hurt them.

I'm learning the plight of the eldest daughter is a universal experience and reading others' experiences has really inspired me to talk about my own.

So yeah, this blog goes out to all my eldest and exhausted girlies.

I mean it took me a whole 30 years to realize and embrace the fact that I am breaking generational cycles and yeah, it's a good thing and all... but y'all, I. Am. Fucking. Exhausted.